It’s approaching 3:00 am and I can’t sleep. Tonight, it’s not because I’m reflecting on all my regrets in life. It’s not because I’m bothered by my social awkwardness, or by my appearance (I think of myself as a short Steve Buscemi-Whoopi Goldberg hybrid, and that’s weird because I’ve always been really attracted to Mr. Buscemi). Tonight I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about the abomination we call Wendie Malick.I’m not trying to make some horrible criticism of her looks or personality. I know many people consider her exceptionally attractive, both now and in her early days as a model. For decades she’s been appreciated by critics and audiences alike as a unique comedic talent. Glancing at her imdb page, I see she’s involved in many charitable projects. She worked with David Spade for, like, almost a decade and didn’t karate chop him in the throat. She’s got nice hair. Wendie Malick probably isn’t a bad person, but she scares the crap out of me. She frightens me to the point where I have to stay awake, no matter how tired I am, and write about her in a desperate attempt to wipe her from the darkest corners of my psyche, where she has resided since I was a child.
I watched a lot of TV as a kid. Too much TV, really. Many of my foggy memories from childhood involve falling into a Dunkaroos-induced coma while watching syndicated reruns of Xena and waking up to Star Trek:Voyager (and fucking Neelix, who I can’t stand) or Just Shoot Me. To me, nothing on Voyager could be as other-worldly or disturbing as Wendie Malick.
Maybe it’s her skinniness? That doesn’t make sense because I’m into fashion and the dangerously thin European models don’t give me night terrors. There’s just something about her upper arms/ shoulders, neck, eyes, the cadence of her voice. She makes me want to build a bomb shelter and use it to try to hide from Mr. Death. I don’t even have to see her; just a mention of Hot in Cleveland sends a chill up my spine.My sister once admitted she’s afraid of Meryl Streep, and I hear people say they have a fear of little people. Maybe this is the same. There’s not really anything wrong with Malick, but I can’t shake this feeling. If anyone ever reads this post, can you please tell me about your irrational fear of a celebrity or group of people. Maybe it will improve my emotional well-being. Or maybe I’m right and someone needs to set her on fire, then salt the earth around her. I dunno. It’s late; I can’t think clearly.
Thanks for reading and have a nice day.